Writer’s block…writer losing way…

          Months have passed since I published my first blog post. A dear friend of mine (Aju) had asked about my plan for the blog. I actually didn’t have a plan. His question was important from the context of sustaining the flow. He had asked me the same question even before, at a time when we published two editions of a fortnightly newsletter. At that time, he had stressed on the importance of consistently rolling out new editions over a period of time. I was really optimistic about it, with hopes of making it big. Two editions were all that we could manage. After that I realized that managing time is a very tough task. Work was challenging, managing people was challenging. And the newsletter became history. Once again, I am back to familiar ground – sustaining the energy, passion and time. My first post was an impulsive idea. I was recovering from an injury and was advised rest for two weeks. When I got bored of taking rest, the idea of penning down some thoughts crossed my mind. And thus my first post took shape, thanks to some video of Curtly Ambrose on YouTube. I wanted to write about him, and ended up writing about my favourite fast bowlers. And the post went all over the place. I was really excited about it, and the excitement waned off once I was back to work. Laziness also took charge, and ideas stagnated. It sure makes a difference when people around you can inspire you to take to writing. I am back to this because another friend of mine urged me to write.

 I kept dwelling on what I would write. It seemed difficult for me to sustain the flow with a single subject in focus. When I went back to read what I wrote, it struck me that I lose the thread midway through the article. Then my thoughts revolved around how to keep my focus on the subject. I kept thinking, more and more. Then I realized that thinking alone was not going to help me. When I discussed the same with my English teacher from school she said it was because I lacked confidence. I could not accept that fact. I argued with her that I have not lost my confidence. But, deep within I knew she was right. What do I write on? How do I write on? What kind of audience do I cater to? These thoughts kept flashing across my mind.

         I started composing this one weeks before, and yet I am not able to give a decent look to it. As I continue from the point I left, I am taken back a few years to my training days. It was a time when many of us realized how difficult it was to manage time and people. I remember a cold night when I was travelling with two of my friends (Ranga & Praveen) in an auto through the outskirts of Mysore. They were speaking about the realization that it is easier to manage time than people. And I opined that managing our time to be shared among a lot of people is the toughest. It was a long enough discussion but I was silent for most of the time. They went on to speak about balancing time between training, friends and themselves. It was all about striking a balance between all these. Space and time, ironically the same concepts that floored scientists, always floors us when we try to juggle them. Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (excuse me for the poor joke)!

        Even recently I faced a similar dilemma of managing my time. There are a few of my close friends for whom I always have the time to discuss issues ranging from world politics to sports to personal matters to emotions. Since I stay at home with family, they also need to get some amount of my space and time. Of late, there have been emotional tantrums for quite a few of my friends with varying degrees of emotion. The scenario at home is even worse. Everyone seems to be on their feet with strained nerves. I always seem to be at sea thinking of how to deal with all this. And to make things complicated, I have not been feeling good for some time. I lost out on time with my brother when I took time for myself. When I went into my shell, I lost out on the time for my friends. Complaints, brickbats and what not. If you can manage yourself and hold yourself together, you would able to set the right things in the right frame. How do you achieve this? Well, that’s actually something difficult to suggest. The expectations are always high. We can’t blame others when we are also the same. We do expect them to have time for us, irrespective of what they are going through. And we also try to do the same for them. But, since we can’t be everywhere at the same time, something or someone has to adjust. There you go – the stress and the strain begins!

 See…once again my post has lost its way!

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